Bordered Love
March 1949
My dearest Nelke,
I do hope that this letter finds you well and that I have not been forgotten in Berlin. I write to you now from Heidelberg where I have returned to finish my schooling. I apologize for the inconsistency of my correspondence. The last few months I found myself a captive of war in Soviet Russia. I hope you understand the difficulty in communicating with the outside world under these circumstances. They were severe, but not inhumane, seeing us as children led astray. We were instead occupied with labor for the community. In my time there, I helped to begin reconstructing what had been destroyed. My freedom is a chance at redemption, and that is why I must return to my studies. Before war there was much that I did not understand. I was not aware of our leaders’ abilities to promise freedom and progress while imprisoning and dividing us so completely. Fascism is the most dangerous threat to our humanity, and I must learn where and how it grows so that I can poison its roots.
I am grateful for my time in Moscow. My experiences there have awakened and inspired me. However, I remain wary of the Soviet powers, who don’t seem to make a great effort in distinguishing themselves from the early Reich ideologies. I’ve observed how their officers must remain very quiet about any disdain for their superiors and leaders, otherwise they are rebuked. It seems to me that everyone should be offered the freedom to express what it is they feel, whether it be concern, glee, or frustration.
On that note I am reminded of the opportunity I was given to attend meetings of the Parliamentary Council this winter. My classmates and I received an invitation from the chairman Konrad Adenauer to spectate the great conversations that will form the basis of the new Deutschland. Many of us, including myself, remain hesitant in giving over our support to any particular party. Adenauer’s taking interest in our opinions is a sentiment much appreciated. In addition to his invitation, he makes a point to engage with us during meals. Yet, he is a popular voice in the Christian Democratic Union, and it would be foolish not to entertain the idea of the party having its own intentions. The unity of the council is promising nonetheless. All but few agree it is crucial that we maintain Western allyship if we wish to return to sovereignty.
You’ll see that I’ve become a great deal more political than I once was, but as I previously stated, it is my responsibility to be able to distinguish good and evil, and avoid repetition of those ugly events which so plagued our Deutschland these past years. I hope that you do not take offense to my sentiments. Despite my excitement for what is to come here in Heidelberg, not a day passes in which I do not sigh for you, Nelke. When I first left Berlin for university, I believed it to be but a few years before our reunion. Now the war has elongated our time apart. But my dearest Nelke, no longer are we children. I will find a way to send for you, if it would bring as much joy to you as it would to me. The Soviet blockade will rise soon, of that I am sure, and when it does I shall bring you home to me, even if I must smuggle you inside a truck for fruit delivery. Nevertheless, it will provide me with the time to get my finances in order. I will find us a place to settle, so that we may forge a life together, and find warmth in each other’s company.
Dein Johann
May 1949
Dearest Johann,
Oh my liebling, it puts me at ease to hear from you. One can only imagine the worst when such a great deal of time passes without word. I am filled with happiness knowing you have found your way back to Heidelberg. I too have experienced difficulty in my attempts to reconcile the tragedies of the war and the Deutschland of our kinder years. How the hand of fascism has taken advantage of our youthful fire. I do hope that what remains of it will find its purpose in rebuilding and reunifying the country. Though now it does appear that divisions have only strengthened between my Eastern Deutschland and your current West. It seems your Adenauer has solidified the partition that runs along our homeland with those imperialist powers as his accomplices. You say the country’s sovereignty lies in allyship with the West, but I must say I disagree. Those powers are known for a history of usurpation, finding their prey in vulnerable nations, whose resources they only further absorb. It seems a great deal more appealing, at least in my eyes, to live humbly in equality, than to suffer under imperialism.
You will find that I too have grown in my political sentiments. Papa and I sit at the table each evening and parse through the paper. There is much occurring in the cause to restrengthen Deutschland, and stories of the Spring Fair and youth parades in Leipzig bring hope to everyone. Mama says things will be easier for me, and for us, when the country has healed. I do hope that includes the western portion. Nevertheless, you are sorely missed here in Berlin. Much has changed in your absence, and yet it seems much has remained unchanged. Gunter returned from Bonn with stories of violence and tragedy, yet he remains a joy in the household, lighting up our lives with his music. He is planning to attend university, but it is nice to have him for the present moment. Franziska is now a young mother at seventeen years of age. Papa was indignant towards even the thought of an illegitimate child, but could not fathom the alternative. Adelaide is a beautiful little girl whose smile warms my heart through these difficult times. She has tamed Franziska’s boisterous spirit, and thus brings peace to our parents. I have saved this next bit of news for last as it heavies my heart to write on it. Our little Malte was lost in the warfare. He was last seen in Munich where it is said he was executed for insubordination. It pains me to think of his life, ended so early, but I do believe it was his pure heart that gave him the courage to resist. We are fortunate to have been guided by parents who showed us the right path. I hope not one of us will ever again make the mistake of abandoning that path.
I’m sure you know your brother has returned to town. Our paths crossed the day he arrived at the station. I was headed to fetch something from the store, and I near fainted at the sight of him, so tall and sturdy, and grown up, I had mistaken him for you! He comes to us regularly, and delivers the extra borscht from your mother (she never adjusted to cooking for one, and has still not adjusted to only cooking for two). He stands in the doorframe and tells me of his time in Saint Petersburg. I can see sadness in his eyes. I ask him why he does not pursue further schooling, as you have my Johann, but he says it is not for him. He says he would like to stay put and help rebuild.
I know you wish not to concern me, and that is why you do not write with more detail, but the monetary troubles of the young soldiers are talked about very much here. Do not feel shame, Johann, all of the country is in crisis. Yet, I am concerned that it will be difficult to rise from your current position if you remain in the West. My desire for reunion is certain, but I cannot begin a life in Heidelberg without first assessing the losses I might happen upon. Here there are promises of free education and childcare, there is healthcare at no cost, and new, modern apartments are in development throughout the city. It is not yet fully realized, but perhaps, you might consider returning home to Berlin, where rather than “forge” a new life together as you say, we can enjoy the one laid out for us. It is important that we come to a decision promptly. I worry that our time is dwindling. Though the blockade has been raised, the border that divides Berlin has only grown in rigidity. If you’ ll remember, my Aunt Isolde lives in West Berlin, and we haven’t had the pleasure of seeing her very much. Her home is only a few kilometers away from ours, but now we see her only on Sundays, when we are able to cross the fence without consequence. We enjoy lunch and tea together, but it is not the same. Oh how I do miss her stories and apple strudels; it seems my girlhood has vanished before my very eyes. If only I were with you my Johann, then I could be a little girl once more.
Deine Nelke
December 1961
Dearest Nelke,
I write to extend my best wishes to you during this season of festivities, however tainted they may be. We have not been as disciplined in our correspondence these past few years as we once were. The last I remember, you were to be married to that fine fellow who was on his way to becoming a great engineer. I hope you have seen things through and are happily settled. I would be very pleased with some current photographs of you and the lad, and any new children that may now populate your household! I will place them beside those of little Adelaide which everyday call to mind fond memories of our own kinder years. Little Adelaide, she must be 6 feet tall by this time. If I remember correctly, Franziska was already towering over you at nine years old. I hope that someday I am able to wrap my arms around her and tell her the stories of her Aunt Nelke.
Of course, it seems an event unlikely to occur anytime soon. The wall they have built through Berlin frightens me, Nelke. What you have told me of the DDR, the socialist utopia you have painted, perhaps, comes at a cost. Here in Hamburg I am free to do a great many things. For one, I am able to travel. Though I have yet to explore beyond Deutschland, I now have the financial means to prepare a trip to France. I am also afforded a wonderful variety of the most delicious delicacies, such as oranges, Coca Cola and many types of chocolate, which are available at any moment in which I desire them. We are all so different from one another here. Our eccentricities facilitate our rise within society. It is nice to be rewarded for one’s work with more than a useless medal and a warm meal. It is a sentiment understood only through experience, and it appears the DDR has built this wall to prevent any of its people from understanding what it is they do not have. And yet, just as much as I renounce the East, I know you denounce the West with the same vigor. Perhaps neither of us will ever be persuaded, so that even if the wall were to come down, we wouldn’t dare venture onto the other’s land. Though I would very much love to reunite with Mama and Albert, and the many people of my childhood home. It may be that we all meet on the border.
At the present, I have time for little else than work. I have worked a small job with a banking firm. It affords me a decent place to live, but it is not as stimulating as I would wish for my livelihood. My young colleague, Georg and I, have begun plans for our own bookshop. The prospect of an endeavor with more personal meaning, gives purpose to the monotony of the everyday. Georg is a recent graduate of the University of Hamburg, who happens to be very well connected in the economic world here. He has reminded me of the passion which burned inside of me upon my return from war. In the spare time upon which we do stumble, we discuss literature over afternoon coffee. We both believe strongly in the power of words to overcome the corruption that is second nature to all politics.
Georg tells me of the British music that is now popular in the night clubs. He says a band known to the public as the Beatles, is bringing rock music to Deutschland. He tells me they arrived in Hamburg with nothing but their music, and yet now they are the talk of the town. People here embrace a bit of risk for great reward. I know “reward” is most like poison to you, I do believe a sip of Coca Cola might persuade you to think otherwise.
Dein Johann
January 1962
Dearest Johann,
My love, my friend, it is a wonderful thing to hear from you. Married life is wearing but finds its pleasure in its duties. Ernst and I have made a home for ourselves here in Berlin. He did secure the engineering position I wrote of in my last letter, and he has been there since. As for myself, I have completed my schooling and am beginning work as a nurse in the local hospital within the next week. We have two children, Brigitte who is 6 and Hugo who is 4. Johann, they bring so much joy to Ernst and me. Brigitte practices ballet at school, and in the evening the apartment becomes her studio. Hugo has inherited Gunter’s musicality. He loves to sing. At this age he is more loud than melodic, but he is so happy to be heard. I have sent a few photographs of them, along with one of little Adelaide who is no longer so little! She reminds me of you in her restlessness, not disordered as her mother, but rather deliberate and forthright. I hope it does not get her into trouble. The children love when they can all be together, so we often have dinner with Franziska. The neighbors in our building are gracious, given the singing, and the jumping. I do think there is something delightful about the youthful spirit, a thing only accessible in the presence of children. Our apartment is modest, and the children make it feel a good amount tighter than it is, yet it is quite modern and provides us with all we need. I am very grateful to the DDR. They have provided me with the childcare that has allowed me to pursue my education and establish a career for myself outside of the home, something I did not see as often among the women of my mother’s generation. Even Franziska, who still has not married has made a pleasant life for herself and Adelaide. Yet, there are many who do not show their appreciation for what the DDR has given us. They take advantage of the public goods we all work to sustain, gaining knowledge from our schools, receiving healthcare in our hospitals, benefitting from childcare while they pursue their careers, and once they feel they have gathered all they can, they leave. They do not wish to share their knowledge with the community which is responsible for their very possession of it. Instead they only wish to make money.
Let me ask you of these Hamburg freedoms about which you write. What is the point in being free to travel, if you have not the means to do so? Only now after years of work are you able to afford a holiday. It is very rare to come upon a family here that does not go on holiday at least twice each year. Ernst and I have just returned from a trip ourselves, camping with the children. With leisure time we are able to enjoy one another’s company and create lasting bonds such as you and I did in our early youth. Do you not agree that these bonds are what make life so pleasant? Next, I ask you what good it is to have an abundance of fancy items in your stores when there is so few with the money to consume them? The amount of waste is surely tragic. Here we have what we need in responsible quantities, and that includes oranges, chocolate, and Pepsi-Cola (your Coca-Cola is not special). Most importantly, you have neglected to assess the level of safety in Hamburg and in the West. The imprisonment which you ascribe to our Berlin, is quite the contrary. Our officers give us peace of mind and ward off the corruption that has plagued the West. You speak of your freedom to travel, but what can be said of your women? Do they feel free to roam the streets after the sun has set? Or must they hide themselves for fear of men’s unwanted touches. I have seen the Lilli dolls that the men in Hamburg fondle; how strange and frightening is this relationship with the female body. So often have Franziska and I layed nude on the beach in our girlhood, and even now in our womanhood. It is a freedom we can enjoy alongside our neighbors. Perhaps your boundless opportunity comes at a cost as well. Oh Johann, you will always find a home in my heart, but you are correct—this is the partition that divides us so absolutely. Perhaps one day all will be reconciled, but for now, auf wiedersehen.
Deine Nelke